As I mature into middle-age, I begin to realize all the moments in my past that prevented me from achieving the things I wanted. Thinking back to when I was just about to graduate cosmetology school and move into a career in hairstyling, I remember my last day of school. I know now that I was having a major panic attack. We know all too well about anxiety and the effects it has on us, but we never really know when it’s happening to us! Breakaway from confidence killer to confidence mender.
The last day of school is exciting. Starting a new career and becoming an explorer of LIFE. What an adventure! That last day for me is memorable for other reasons. The class behind us took the most thoughtful gestures and got us roses and cards to wish us well on our new journey. They were right behind us by a few months, and they felt the excitement too.
Anxiety Hits At Inconvenient Times
The tears started, and soon after the sobbing. The more my classmates tried to console me the more tears came. I was out of control! Horrified that I couldn’t control my emotions, I kept trying to sneak away to get a hold of myself. What the heck happened? Confidence killer.
It’s always assumed that if you are crying it must mean you are sad, right? The cure for this sadness must be to take a time out and rest, am I right? This is what society tells us, it’s what doctor’s tell us, but I’m here to tell you there is a bigger devil at work happening right between our own two ears. We can control these tears if we know what’s truly causing them.
What happened that day would be the first time I ever experienced a panic attack, and later I would discover that it was a symptom of anxiety. Anxiety is simple, it’s fear. The cure for fear is to not be afraid. I wish it was as simple in our brains as it is in that last sentence. What we need to do is move from confidence killer to confidence mender.
Anxiety was not part of my vocabulary in those days. Strong, capable, and willing to try anything was how I wanted to live. Thank goodness for my strength, as I had no idea what would come to pass to completely derail me for several months.
Do Your Best, Leave the Rest
Over a year into my career, I would end up with a customer that would cause me to question everything and steal my confidence. Her request was to have a mushroom cut. I figured her over confidence in getting a mushroom cut must mean she had a bad taste for style. You remember those haircuts. Shaved on the bottom and cut like a bowl on the top.
I was confident in my skills, but I was not confident in the hairstyle she chose as it was not an attractive look for either gender and quickly going out of style. I tried to talk her into something more flattering, but she was determined. She was not about to listen to a young 20 something year old to tell her what she should wear.
Who Are You In Those Moments Of Weakness
Part way through the haircut she yelled, “STOP! You’re doing it all wrong.” I was stunned. Clearly, I was the professional who knew about taking small sections to avoid scissor marks, and how to shape and mold around lumpy heads to achieve the optical illusion and make something beautiful. In my mind, she didn’t know what she was talking about; however, in that moment the roles reversed. Stunned, she grabbed the comb out of my hands and started picking up her hair and saying, “See this? Cut here.” Sadly, this was a confidence killer moment.
Dumbfounded and paralyzed, I was no longer confident in my abilities. I forgot how to do everything, I even forgot how to speak. Her tone changed when she realized I was about to tip over on the floor in fear. Her voice softened, as she kept picking up hair and telling me to cut here. I politely asked if she would prefer a different hairstylist, to which she would decline.
You may be able to relate to my emotions in that moment. The ringing in the ears, everyone’s voice is distant, paralyzed, can’t speak, feel like everyone’s eyes are on you. Anxiety, fear, panic. How would I ever do my job well again?
That confidence that I had before that moment disappeared forever. My haircuts for the next 3 months were horrible. I had to work through that fear everyday, with each new client until finally I had finished a great haircut. Was I cured of this anxiety? No, but I knew how to work through it. Show up everyday, do your best, leave the rest.
Anxiety isn’t something where you take a pill, and it disappears. There is no vitamin deficiency, or medication that make you feel better. There are times when a doctor may feel it’s best if you take medication, but it’s only a short fix. It treats the symptoms, but not the cause. Short term effects for a long-term problem.
How To Work Through Anxiety
Are you wondering how to treat your own anxiety issues? How did I work through it, and what were my secrets?
If anxiety is fear, then what is causing it? Ask yourself, “What is my fear?” Good for you if you come up with some answers. l can’t always pinpoint my fear, but I can tell you almost always my answer will be that a confidence killer has infiltrated my mind and what I need is a confidence mender.
My lack of experience and confidence caused my crippling response to the woman taking my comb. I let her steal it from me. This was not her fault, it was mine. In addition she also had a low self esteem and felt comfortable in one look only. Heck! Twenty-five years later she’s probably sporting the same haircut.
How I WISH I Had Reacted
Here’s how I wish I had reacted. I wish I had snatched my comb back out of her hands, taken the cape off, and reminded her that there are many hairstylists who can do this haircut, it didn’t have to be me. Furthermore, I would tell her of the many hours, and hundreds of clients I had worked on. I was not only certified, but I was a desired hairdresser for many people. After all this I would ask her if she wanted to proceed with me or someone else. She could criticize my work, but she couldn’t tell me how to do it.
I thought about that moment for decades. I would create scenarios in my head so I would be better prepared next time. We can’t prepare for an anxiety attack though. We can imagine all kinds of scenarios and prepare how to handle them, but they always catch us off guard.
So, what do we do?
We learn to control our inner voice. Building up confidence isn’t something we leave for others. I waited for years for a colleague to tell me how good my work was and then waited for a salon owner, or an educator to look at my work and compliment me. For years all I got was just a handful of compliments from these people. Then I learned I was looking to the wrong people.
My best clients followed me from salon to salon and paid whatever I asked. Those people really knew what they had. They gave me confidence, but it still didn’t treat my anxiety. It wasn’t enough.
Learn to Control Your Inner Voice
It wasn’t until I learned to control my inner voice that I really learned to work out anxiety and panic. The little voice is the voice between your two ears that tell you your worth. It’s not easy controlling the devil inside, but it’s rewarding when you begin to stifle that voice of fear and amplify the voice of confidence.
How do confident people do it? How do they control that inner voice?
It’s not easy building up confidence, and it sometimes feels silly. Here are some hot tips.
Write down words of affirmation. Saying things over and over until you believe it is a powerful tool. If we replace things like, “I feel fat and old,” with, “I’m beautiful and vibrant.” It takes time, but eventually if we hear it enough, we will believe it. Nobody is going to say nice words to you as often as you need to hear it, so start telling these things to yourself.
Here are some examples of phrases I use to build my confidence. You can borrow these or add to them. I would love to hear in the comments what you say to yourself to move past a confidence killer, to a confidence mender.
Examples of Daily Affirmations
I say things such as:
- I’m young and gorgeous
- I’m attractive and attract people easily
- I’m intelligent and solve problems easily
- I have abundance of money and live comfortably
- My work is the best on the market, and people desire to work with me
- My product is the best on the market and people desire to buy from me
- I’m living my best life and treat my body like a temple
- I’m young and will always live life to the fullest however that looks in the moment
Rid the Confidence Killers, & Immerse Yourself around Confidence Menders
There are times in our lives when it’s time to break away from the people that are confidence killers. We know who they are. They are the ones that think they are helping by telling us the opposite of the things above.
It’s typically our loved ones that cause us to doubt ourselves. In some cases, parents, spouses, siblings, or friends… The list could go on. This doesn’t mean we have to leave them; it just means we must tell them how their comments are affecting our health, and that we need a break from them until we feel better. There are times when an extended break, or a breakup is necessary for mental health.
Herein lies the truth. If we can manage to shift our thoughts just slightly, it will have massive effects. Simple things like words of affirmation and ridding our lives of the negative influences can dramatically reduce the anxiety in our lives, thus creating a thriving life.
Don’t we all want to thrive? Of course! We want everyone around us to thrive also.
People who are the most critical of others have the lowest self-esteem. Finding things to criticize about others reveal the insecurities about themselves.
The “What if’s,” and Achieving Better Outcomes
All to often we find ourselves fretting about the future. What if I go off the road, what if I fail, what if I’m rejected, what if they don’t like me, what if they fire me? The “What if’s,” are confidence killers.
Start asking yourself, what if I win? What if they love me and hire me, what if I arrive safely, what if I’m successful?
What happens if we try to overcome fear? We always win. We win at facing what is paralyzing, overcoming the fear, and going on to thrive. Move away from the confidence killer and toward the confidence mender.
“There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” –Franklin D. Roosevelt
This is how countries defeat other countries, and how we defeat bullies and enemies. If we fear them, they win. If we face them, we may still lose a battle, but we’ve already won the war.
What if you didn’t try applying for that job? You already don’t have the job, so you have nothing to lose by applying. Gaining experience by trying and failing is setting you up for winning. You will learn what doesn’t work and try something different until you succeed.
It’s exciting to know we don’t have to stay in a place of fear. Just changing a few words in our minds redirects our eyes toward finishing the race.
How do you stay in this state of mind? Immerse yourself in and around positive thinking people. Read and follow people that are confidence builders. Become one of those people that map out a destination and arrives.
Listen to audio books while you work, or drive.
Be Confident
Back to the client who took my comb out of my hand 25 years ago, I not only handed her the comb but my confidence too. I took it back. She taught me a valuable lesson. Know your self worth. Be confident that you are much more valuable than what you charge. Don’t look for others to validate you, validate yourself everyday and more often as needed. Be proud of what you have achieved for you have tried where others couldn’t even find the courage. You have found a way to break free from the confidence killer, and become a confidence mender.
I would love to read in the comments if any of this resonates with you. I would also love to hear from you if you think I’m way off.
Thank you for reading.
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For more reading about finding JOY, here is a previous article on Joy of Lemons. https://joyoflemons.com/joy-through-suffering-and-how-to-be-alive/